The King's Marquee

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Monday, December 19, 2011

The King's Christmas List

Don't kid yourselves. All politicians
belong on the Naughty List!
With Christmas only 7 days away we thought we'd make a few suggestions for what Santa Claus might bring some of our friends and foes on Christmas Day.  Obviously, this is tongue and cheek, so don't get too cranky... you might want to take a big gulp of that Christmas Punch before reading on, and perhaps take the hidden advice given.

The King's Christmas List:

Chris Donovan:  A copy of the novel:  Conflict of Interest by Nancy Taylor Rosenberg. (As if you didn't know the ending.)

Jerry Labriola, Jr.:  FIFA 2012 for his PlayStation 2, and a set of balls to replace the ones he missing (you figure that one out).  Last chance to get it out of neutral, Jerry!

Chris Healy:  A steady job shoveling snow in far away Antarctica, where he can't ruin the chances of additional Connecticut Republicans from getting elected.
DeStefano aught to be careful what he
asks for when it comes to his illegal
immigrant voting scheme
Mayor John DeStefano:   The influx of 500,000 new illegal aliens into New Haven to advance his illegal immigrant voting scheme - and all the trouble that comes with them.  I mean what's another 500,000 in the bread line - between friends? May they all set up a Shanty Town on his lawn.

Christopher Shays:  At least a C rating from the NRA, a divorce from the gay-rights crowd, and a well-stoked fire under his rear.  Are you actually running for Senate or what?

This fool can't even handle a power
outage, and he fancies himself fit
for the White House?. Dream on!
Governor Dan Malloy:  A bullet proof vest to keep him safe from his own fringe Union and State Employee constituency, who he gave just about everything except the kitchen sink during budget negotiations, and who still want more. Food for Thought: You might want to position Nancy Wyman in front of you during future press conferences (instead of next to you).

"Firebrand" Joe Visconti: A new pick-up truck. How does that rust-bucket pass emissions?

It's pretty clear that President
Obama doesn't have a clue
what he's doing
President Obama A Clue. A Clue about anything. And a better copy of Microsoft Powerpoint for those hard to edit Birth Certificate documents. C'mon man, 162 edits?

Coach Jim Calhoun:  A UConn Husky Basketball team free of petty thieves, boozers, and criminals. Would be nice have a year without seeing UConn's reputation tarnished in the national media over player misconduct.  Maybe its high time to conduct criminal background checks on all your recruits.

Coach Gino Auriemma:  A large bottle of humility, and the sense to understand that winning in an uncompetitive Woman's NCAA Division is nowhere close to winning in the NCAA Men's Division. Stop whining about your pay - you're lucky to have the salary you take given your written and verbal communication skills make you sound like a two-bit hoodlum from some back alley in a Hartford Ghetto.  Maybe we could get you into an English Class as part of your compensation so as not to further embarrass the University.

Let it be said that CT Sen
Joe Markley sold his soul
for a WWE Action Figure
Linda McMahon: The courage to step into the squared circle and come out from hiding behind her handlers and conduct a set of meaningful, unscripted interviews. And the fortitude to stop replying to the media by carefully worded emails, and the guts to answer legitimate questions about her company's role in the deaths of her employees, and ongoing pay-offs to RTCs and convention delegates.

Lisa Wilson-Foley:  A massive scandal to bring some life to her faltering campaign (talk to Chris Healy, he can help you generate notoriety).  And maybe a fourth campaign director.

Don't worry Nancy,
its hard to stay fit
these days
Nancy DiNardo:  A treadmill, and a year-long pass to Curves

Joe Markley:  A new beret that doesn't make you look like a artsy French Partisan.  You need to be careful or Peter Wolfgang's FIC might suspect you as queer in drag.

The Coutu-burg campaign is ready
to take flight... or maybe not.

Chris Coutu: A year's supply of Bubblelicious Chewing Gum for his long days in Hartford, and his very own MetLife blimp so everyone in the Second Congressional District can see his name in capital letters - all at once.  Oh, the humanity!

Martha Dean:  A one-way ticket to deep space for her lunatic ex-husband.
Justin Bernier:  Another fictional military installation deal to broker - perhaps Fort Griswold needs saving?

Write me in. Doesn't
matter for what.
Rob Simmons: A write-in campaign so he run commercials claiming he's still on the ballotDoesn't matter what ballot, does it?

The First Congressional District:  A Republican challenger to John Larson.  Any takers?  And we are taking note of all those cowards unwilling to run because it's an Obama re-election campaign year (betting African-American will come out in hordes to support O) but who will suddenly and miraculously emerge from their bunkers in 2013.

John Larson:  A new home renovation by Harry James.

Chris Murphy:  Another new DC-based girlfriend. (Contact Herman Cain for details.)

Tom Foley:  A three-year course at Toastmasters to improve his public speaking skills and give the apparence that he has (at least) a phony level of enthusiasm.  And a copy of the video Da-Da-Da by Trio.  Santa can also send him a Bibb - which he could always sell at a later date.

Pedro will paint the town -
er.. Pink, literally

Hartford Mayor Pedro Segarra:  10,000 gallons of pink paint to re-color the parallel lines on every street in Hartford.  This could be a great job for Corey Brinson.

Mark Greenberg: A Super Siren with Mic Yellow Horn Bike Bicycle and a soap-box to stand on so he can be heard.

Mike ("G-Man") Clark: Campaign shirts with an FBI logo on the back, and a new ease-dropping device to spy on the other campaigns in the Fifth Congressional District.

Susan Bysiewicz: Let's see... a four leaf clover, a bird to poop on her, a rainbow, a shooting star, a ladybug to land on her, a meeting with a cow (other than Nancy Dinardo), Bats nesting in her home, cats sitting on her front porch, her initials in a spider web, her hands and feet to tingle, having a day wear she puts her clothes on backwards, a meeting with snake, a fairy Godmother with a working wand, a step-stool, and a miracle - to give her a snowballs chance in Hell of winning the Democrat Nomination.

When they say let Larry
Cafero work his magic -
they aren't kidding!
Larry Cafero: A new magic eight ball for the Governor-wannabe so he can he can claim a point of reference for his decision-making process.  This will be useful when it comes to  explaining why he caves in to Democrats - all the time.

Rick Green:  The strength to write a column that is critical of his Democrat pals this coming year ... or maybe two or three to balance out the 50 or so anti-Republican entries he'll likely post this year.

Rosa DeLaura:  A truck-load of Luvs Diapers and a new broom-stick.  (Ok, that was all too easy, I admit it)

Rosa DeLauro - that's no
ordinary broom-stick mind you.

Joe Courtney:  More blush and eyeliner for his next photo-op. Crikey, Man! Or Ma'am!

Jim Himes:  10,000 more followers on Twitter than Chris Murphy (not including Murphy's love interests).

The Hartford Courant:  A parent company that isn't bankrupt.

Kevin Rennie:  Honest to Goodness Democrat Party affiliation, and therapy. (Still beating up on former Governor John Rowland I see - good grief!  Four paragraphs and Rowland managed to find his way into your column.  Let it go. Let it go.

Yosemite Scott at your service
Tom Scott:  An Anger Mangement Class run by Yosemite Sam.  A copy of Napoleon's Autobiography so he can run Linda's campaign as successfully as he ran others. (Pay special attention to the Battle of Waterloo - if you get that far

Justin Clark:  A stocking full of coal.

THE KING:  A Merry Christmas and a Healthy, Happy and Enjoyable New Year for all my readers!  And bright orange jumpsuits and hand-cuffs for most of the people on this list - see you in 2012!

If you didn't make this list, you should feel relieved.  But don't worry, there's always time for me to get to you at some point during the new year. 



This original blog entry can be found at


Sue Lavelli said...

I have to say- for once I am in complete agreement with the King

Joe Visconti said...

Hey King my muffler fell off my pickup and i gotta make it through emmissions this month, howd you know ?